After Grief – Filling the time grief used to occupy
My clients are super smart and I am always learning from them. Lately they’ve been teaching me what happens inside regular, every day people when they accept the reality of losses they have experienced. They describe feeling numb, bored, unmotivated, restless. I’ve learned that’s what the beginning of Acceptance sounds like. The energy that grief occupied is now available to channel into something else and they are well aware of the void.It’s a long way from the intensity of anger, even rage, clients describe when they discover a betrayal by a lover, friend, or family member. It sounds more like “whatever, I’m just tired of talking about, it is what it is”.
It’s not the tearful sounds of a broken heart or the sadness an old song brings on. It’s more a deeper understanding of who they are – it was hard and I survived. They know now that they can do hard things and, even better, they know for sure what they will do or won’t do for themselves and for others.
It’s music to a therapist’s ears.
What’s the final mantra of Acceptance? “I did everything I could have done and there’s nothing else for me to do. I don’t have any more questions about why this happened or what made them do that to me. I hope they learn from it because I know I have”.
Acceptance is also owning the part of them that saw the warning signs that betrayal or loss was coming and denied it was real. Sticking their head in the sand instead of facing reality. They understand now the opportunities they have to live with their eyes wide open and take responsibility for their own words and actions, using their energy in a self-compassionate way to decide how they want to move forward in their own life.
Acceptance is no longer the words of a victim – but of a survivor. And eventually the anxiety turns to excitement and we set new therapy goals that steer them forward out of the maze of grief into a fresh, new life. It’s really awesome – and that’s why I love this job!
P. Dianne Presley, LCSW
Owner/Founder Believe, Hope, Inspire Wellness Services LLC