They are just friends…… right?
Partners who come in devastated by the affair of their partner are often hurt more by the lies told before and after discovery than by the actual betrayal. They’ve heard things like “We’re just friends. Why are you so jealous? What are you so insecure about. You’re crazy.”
Here’s some signs I see show up in my counseling office and is part of what researchers call “The Cascade of Betrayal” (from the work of Shirley Glass PhD and John Gottman, PhD.)
Signs that it’s more than friends
- Her or his name comes up more often than it used to, and when you ask about it your concerns may be dismissed or criticized. The intensity of the response may build over time and it may be harsher and more attacking. Over time talking becomes useless. Your aren’t feeling heard.
- There’s a turning away from you. Your partner seems distant and preoccupied, on their phone more and secretive about who they are talking to and where they’ve been.
- Words can become acusatory and disrespectful. It could sound like “why can’t you do this more or aren’t more like that”. You may feel you’re competing with some imaginary person who you’ve never met. Over time it’s harder and harder to please your partner and make them happy.
- Your partner is more and more unavailable to spend time with you and less likely to commit to a future event. Mistrust begins to build.
If any of these sound familiar to you, you can find out more in Shirley Glass’s book “Not Just Friends”. Need help sorting out what you are feeling? Just give us a call at 850.450.7223.
P. Dianne Presley, LCSW
Owner/Founder Believe Hope Inspire Wellness Services LLC